This actually happened. About ten minutes ago, in fact.

SCENE – The kitchen of a small home. Husband is on the phone. Wife enters.

EVAN (hanging up phone): So! I don’t have head cancer!

ME: Oh, was that the doctor? Wait, you were worried you had head cancer?

EVAN: Well, you know.

ME: So, what did the CAT scan show? Is it a bone infection?

EVAN: No, it’s a deviated septum and severe sinus infection, with mild allergies.

ME: Really?! So, a deviated septum caused years of dental pain?

EVAN: Yeah.

ME: And all the headaches and your inability to sleep because of the pain? All of this from a deviated septum?

EVAN: And the extreme congestion.

ME: That part makes sense. But I had no idea a deviated septum could cause so much trouble for so long.

EVAN: Apparently, the doctor wants me to go to Ear, Nose and Throat guy, but, you know.

ME: What?

EVAN: You gotta watch doctors.

ME: ???

EVAN: With medical things, there are two paths. Serious and not.

ME: I don’t get what you’re saying.

EVAN: There’s cancer, and life threatening things, and then there’s the stuff not worth bothering with. There’s no grey area.

ME: Well, this strikes me as a grey area, your deviated septum. It’s not super serious, but it’s not insignificant, either.

EVAN: If it hasn’t caused a problem in 34 years, I don’t know why I need to worry about it.

THE END

If this is the question.

Frequently here at Fanfreakingtastic I rant about song lyrics. I am about to do that again.

What with the Christmas music on the radio kicking in around, oh, LABOR DAY, I’ve already been treated to a good bit of caroling and mistletoe. Which I am fine with. One of my all time favorite songs is, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” (Judy Garland version) and I listen to the Christmas stations hoping to hear it. The stations don’t play it very often, at least not the Judy Garland version. You know what they do play a lot, though?

“Do They Know It’s Christmas Time?” by Band Aid. Now, I’m not going to criticize the spirit behind the song. Or at least, I will not criticize the fact these people wanted to help out. But that is the ONLY thing I’m not going to criticize about it. I will give it this, though – it makes me laugh. Every, every time. And in that sense, Band Aid really has been a source of happiness and joy.

So, come take a stroll with me through this merry winterland of Classic 80’s Eurocentric Imperialistic Melodrama!

Paul Young
It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid
At christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade Alright.

Boy George
And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy!
Throw your arms around the world at christmas time Okay, Boy George. You know, I only have a 60″ wingspan, but I’ll do my best.

(Phil Collins on the drums) Anybody read the recent report that Phil Collins is suicidal on account of the fact he’s Phil Collins? No joke. Personally, I think Phil Collins needs to get over Phil Collins. I also think Boy George would remind me I just promised to throw my short arms around the world at Christmas time, and, as Phil Collins is in the world, I suppose I should be a bit nicer about his suicidal tendencies.

George Michael
But say a prayer – pray for the other ones “ Other ones”?
At christmas time I am happy to pray for people at Christmas time, but what exactly do you mean by “other ones”?

Simon Le Bon
it’s hard, but when you’re having fun
There’s a world outside your window Is that where the “other ones” are?

Sting and Simon Le Bon
And it’s a world of dreaded fear Uh-oh
Where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears Holy cats! The “other ones” are living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare!
And the christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom Wait! What? Christmas bells outside my window are clanging chimes of doom for the other ones? WHAT IS GOING ON OUT THERE?!! Are people being hauled off to the gallows, one “other one” for each chime of a Christmas bell? What kind of dystopian future world is this outside my window?

Bono
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you ACTUALLY, Bono, you preachy SOB, I was just thinking I better go outside my window to see if I can stop these Christmas chimes of doom before they strike down every last “other one”! Seriously… what kind of sick twist thinks we’d Thank God it’s them instead of us? That’s just annoying. Preachy, and annoying.

And there won’t be snow in Africa this christmas time Well, except for Mt. Kilimanjaro, but okay, sure.
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life Wait, stop. This world outside my window is Africa? Not some dystopian future where Christmas chimes of doom kill the “other ones,” but Africa? All of Africa? So, each of the one billion Africans greatest gift this year will be life? This is starting to feel awfully Colonial.

Where nothing ever grows Have you been to the Congo basin?
No rain or rivers flow Or Egypt?

Do they know it’s christmas time at all? Well, the Christians there, do… but you know Islam is the most populous faith in Africa, right? And there are, you know, lots and lots of religions there… and no doubt some of the “other ones” do not know it’s Christmas time at all, what with them not being familiar with, you know, Christ.

Here’s to you A real American hero! (Man, I miss those Budweiser commercials!)
Raise your glass for everyone For everyone? Even Dane Cook? I don’t know if I’m down with that.
Here’s to them I thought we called them by their proper name, aka, “the other ones.”
Underneath that burning sun Wow. I find this phrase to be indicative of a really simplistic notion of “Africa” and a notion born of lots and lots of time spent under cloud cover in the UK.

Do they know it’s christmas time at all? Again, maybe, maybe not, depending.

Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world Aren’t we really just talking about Ethiopia, here?
Let them know it’s christmas time and Chances are, about 60% of Ethiopians already know and I’d recommend against saying Merry Christmas to the remaining 40%.
Feed the world You know that Ethiopia is just one small part of Africa, right? And that Africa is just one continent out of seven? Because I kinda get this feeling you guys think there’s, like, North America & Europe and then the rest of the world, and that the rest of the world is a.) on fire b.) peopled by “other ones” who a.) need to know about Christmas even though b.) Christmas bells are, to them, chimes of doom.
Let them know it’s christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it’s christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it’s christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it’s christmas time and
Feed the world
Let them know it’s christmas time You know, I think I’d be more comfortable with 16th Century Spain spreading the word about “Christmas Time” to the “Other Ones,” but on the other hand, it’s not like Band Aid hasn’t raised over 100 million dollars for famine relief. I’m sure the “other ones” appreciate it, I just hope they didn’t have to listen to the band to get the aid.

This godforsaken commercial IS BACK.

Firstly, and apropos of nothing, I would like to form a band called The Suicide Squirrels. Maybe not as much as I want a band named The Notorious They, though. The Notorious They is the best band name I’ve ever come up with.

Moving on…

There is a song that has been simultaneously entertaining and annoying me for eight long years. Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock’s “romantic” ballad/duet, “Picture.”

Let’s start by drinking in the following series of words: “Kid Rock’s romantic ballad/duet.” That right there is worth the price of admission, provided “admission” is listening to the song for free in your car. Because I mean, hey, I’m sure I’m not alone when I say Kid Rock personally defines my romantic ideal. Am I right, ladies, or am I right?

So there’s that. And the song, on the surface, is an inoffensive enough little ditty, so uncomplicated it wouldn’t strain even Britney’s vocals. It’s the kind of song that slips by unnoticed, unless you make the mistake of listening to the words. Let me give you a condensed version of Kid Rock’s side of the story:

Livin’ my life in a slow hell
Different girl every night at the hotel
Been fuelin’ up on cocaine and whisky
Wish I had a good girl to miss me
I put your picture away
Sat down and cried today
I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to her

Fair enough, Mr. Rock. You’ve obviously suffered a bad break-up and are now engaging in a downward spiral of self-destruction wrought of heartache and loss. And now for the lady’s take:

Somethin’ just ain’t right
I been waitin’ on you for a long time
Fuelin’ up on heartaches and cheap wine
I put your picture away
I wonder where you been
I can’t look at you while I’m lyin’ next to him

Pretty much the same story. Makes sense. After the break-up, she longingly wonders where he has wandered off to and what he is doing. She, too, finding false comfort in some random person. Fine.

Here’s my issue: THEY’VE BEEN SEPARATED FOR THREE DAYS. 1,2,3. THREE DAYS. THAT’S IT. Here’s how the song closes.

Both: Since you been gone my worlds been dark & grey (72 hours of dark and grey, ladies and gentlemen.)
Kid Rock: You reminded me of brighter days (Was it that hard to remember? IT WAS THREE DAYS AGO.)
Crow: I was headed to church
Rock: I was off to drink you away!

I just included that last little bit ’cause it’s hilarious. Anyway, back to business:

Both: I thought about you for a long time (THREE DAYS, PEOPLE.)
Can’t seem to get you off my mind (NOT SURPRISING.)
I can’t understand why we’re living life this way (Well, based on how you handle the passage of three days, perhaps because you’re RETARDED.)
I found your picture today (You FOUND it? You put it away the day before YESTERDAY. Do you have short term memory loss?)

In case you doubt my timeline, here’s what I cut out:

Rock: I ain’t seen the sun shine in 3 damn days

Crow: I called you last night in the hotel
Everyone knows but they wont tell
But their half hearted smiles tell me
Somethin’ just ain’t right
I ain’t heard from you in 3 damn nights

I submit this as evidence that we are, in fact, talking about the transpiring of no more than 72 hours. So what I want to know is, who are the people this song speaks to? Who out there lives life with the drama dial turned all the way to eleven, such that they can cram more histrionics into three days than I’ll put into ten years? I mean, by day two these people have reached an emotion it would take me two months (or more) to get to. SO FOREIGN TO ME. SERIOUSLY. I mean, I’m not trying to be Judgy McJudgalot. Diff’ent strokes for diff’ent folks, and all that. I’m just saying, FOREIGN. Also, I would submit the word, EXHAUSTING.