Today, I tried to purchase champagne for a friend. Unfortunately, he lives in a state you can’t ship alcohol to. Thinking myself clever, I did a google search and called up a wine shop close to his home. Let’s listen in and see how this conversation went.

ME: Hello, I was wondering if I could buy something for a friend. I’m out of state.

WINESELLER: Of course, that would be no problem.

ME: Great! I made a bet on a bottle of champagne and lost.

WINESELLER: Very good. (droll laughter)

ME: And you can take care of the delivery?

WINESELLER: I will take the bottle myself, personally, today.

ME: Wow! Really? That’s fantastic. So, the bet we made was on a bottle of Moet & Chandon White Star, I guess they’re calling it Imperial these days. Do you have that in stock?

awkward pause

WINESELLER: No.

ME: Do you have any other varieties of Moet?

WINSELLER: No, we do not carry any varities of poo.

awkward pause. (perhaps he didn’t specifically use the word “poo.”)

WINESELLER: We do not carry mass produced poo. We only carry boutique, handcrafted champagne and wine. No poo.

awkward pause, while I wonder if I should inquire further.

WINESELLER: I would be happy to recommend an establishment with champagne you can afford. (And yes, he specifically used those exact words.)

ME: Ummm….okay?

WINESELLER: Please call Soandso Liquor store. They’re close by and can help you with the sort of poo you’re looking for.

ME: Ummmm….thank you?

WINESELER: Happy to be of help! And I hope you’re able to get the poo delivered to your friend.

ME: Me, too.

*****

Okay, so, I have some questions. Where the hell did I call? The private purveyors of champagne to the royal family of Monaco? I called this place because they popped up on top of my google search. There was nothing in the little blurb that said, “Do not call unless you have an American Express Black card.” But I have little doubt that the man was right – I am sure there is nothing in that store I could afford.

And like, am I crazy, or isn’t Moet a perfectly respectable bottle of champagne? I mean, it’s fifty bucks. Isn’t fifty bucks decent? I mean, it’s not like I was asking for Andre or something. I did not ask for Barefoot Bubbly. I did not ask for for Yellow Tail Sparkling Wine. Not that there’s anything wrong with cheap champagne, either. (Although asking a wineseller to arrange delivery of such would be a bit gauche.)

I don’t know. I just found the thing so baffling. And he was so eager to be helpful, while simultaneously letting me know exactly where I stood on the socio-economic ladder. Maybe he’s hoping one day I’ll be able to climb up a few rungs.

In any case, I did call Soandso Liquor Store, and they were great. Totally reminded me of Old Town Spirits here in Pendleton. They even gift wrapped it at no extra charge. So, all’s well that ends well, I guess.